Confession

This is the first time I’m ever coming out with the truth. I’ve been reading articles about bullying and it’s my first time coming out and being honest about this.

I grew up being a victim of bullying.

As early as in my Primary school years, I have been constantly bullied by people whom I only wanted to be friends with. Perhaps I tried too hard? I do not know. But during that time, I was the only girl who was dating someone in the school. In fact, he was one of the most good-looking guys that ever existed at that time.

For some reason, the girls hated me. They called me names and ostracised me. Subhanallah. I went home crying most days. I felt lonely. I felt scared. But I still wanted to go to school because that was the only time I got to see my then-boyfriend (HAHA YA LUH, too kental to hang out out of school hours that’s why he broke up with me). I literally had only 3 friends who were really there for me, despite the rest, and I will always remember who they are.

I naturally take some time to warm up to girls and have always been more comfortable around boys. I guess that’s the reason why the girls disliked me and ostracised me. Masya Allah. Things got worse when I was appointed Head Prefect of the school for 2 full years. It was a few years of terror, being there as the pioneer batch of that school. I amazingly survived, though. I graduated with a great PSLE score and got myself into one of the top schools.

Trouble didn’t end for me because I ended up being in a relationship with someone from an elite school nearby. Don’t ask me how it happened, it just did. And on top of all that, a miscommunication happened and a strange rumor started that I had lied about something. Nobody even bothered to check back with me on what actually happened, and the cool clan of Malays hated me. Like, really hated me. I have no idea what went on behind my back but they openly called me a liar and used terms like “puki longgar” just because (I think) I hung around boys. To think I got myself into a good school – HURHUR.

I suffered 2yrs of tormenting and name-calling and occasional cyber-bullying until things picked up when we got to Secondary 3, where I made new friends – one of them being my best friend ever since.

I lost some of the girl friends I made but the one guy who stuck by me up till today, is family. He is such an amazing and trustworthy person, that my husband sends me off whenever he comes to pick me up to hang out with him.

Anyway, we survived. I graduated with a great score to get me into Poly, but I chose to go to ITE instead. Why? Because I wanted to have a taste of Music and the Arts. I wouldn’t be able to do that if I went into poly because it would mean full-time Hijab for me.

Zaman jahil, sisthursssss – please don’t judge.

But I must say, it was the best place ever. I got into a lead role in a Musical, I got to perform at places like the Esplanade, I got the honour of being a back-up singer to Zubir Abdullah at his concert. Masya Allah – all that was such an experience I’d never trade anything for. Also, it seemed like no one bullied no one, no one called no one names, everyone knew everyone, everyone was willing to help everyone, and everyone hung out with everyone. It was possibly the best 2 years of any prior school life I had.

I didn’t graduate, though, as I suffered attendance problems since I was heavily involved in the Arts and wasn’t performing in my studies at all. I gave up and went to try the A-level route but figured that I was not cut out for it. It was too much to handle, hence, it didn’t last for very long. But I made great friends there, who are my friends today too! Alhamdulillah, the experience was great while it lasted!

And then I went to take my Private Diploma at a Private institution. Again, I became a victim of bullying. One of the plus-sized girls in the class got a few other girls to gang up on me and ostracise me. For what reason? I honestly have no idea as I really couldn’t be bothered to thrash it out. She had her little minions call me names like “Bird” (she said I look like a bird) and would make chirping sounds every time I came up to present anything. She would openly make comments about me to degrade me, especially about my body. It is sad to say that I didn’t do very well for my Diploma because of that experience. I did not have much support to begin with. The boys in the class were great but I tried to be friends with the girls instead, though they weren’t very helpful while I was being bullied. One of the boys did speak up for me and motivated me that things will get better, but how much can one single person do? Not much at all, really. I guess I got used to it after some years. Besides, it was a 10-month course so I did what I could that was enough to pull me through and graduate with a certificate.

That, my friends, is my sob story and confession of how I survived being a victim of bullying. It feels good to come out and say that I survived bullying. And looking at where I am today, I can only say ALHAMDULILLAH.

The one good thing in common that I see from those experiences is the fact that I never got into any form of depression, despite getting my candle blown out through the years; again and again and again. I am very grateful to have had a strong base to believe that He is always there for me. I kept myself close to Him and thankfully, I came out this strong.

I have always forgiven the people who were part of the shaming and bullying, but I just want to say something: It was okay if you disliked me, it felt okay even if it was for no reason at all. But it was not okay when you disrespected me, degraded me, and humiliated me – especially in front of an audience. It was not okay when you called me names, made fun of me and then laughed at me just to make yourself feel good. I’m sorry if I have ever triggered you to start the bullying for any reason, but I just want you to know that it hurt. I didn’t show it, but it did. I hope you realise that by now.

Till we meet again. ☺️